Long Time No See

 

(Photo by Sasha San)

   

    Hello and good day. I haven't payed this blog a visit in a long time, for many reasons. One of them is due to lacking in content to write about. As a writer you'd think I'd love to write about writing all day, but...I actually don't. I love to write, but not necessarily about writing within itself. Another reason I stopped writing on this blog had to do with my mental health. That's a thing we can be open about, right? Well, I won't. Mostly because creating a penname was for a reason and that reason is my privacy.  I would go on about who Ms. Sam L. Story was supposed to be and why, but that's a whole post on it's own and this is just supposed to be a practice run before I start writing again.

    Continuing on, the last reason I stopped writing on my blog is because I have yet to publish anything in the last two years. Make no mistake, I have been writing, just not publishing what I write. I do plan on getting back to publishing. If not full novels, at least going back to my Wattpad as I haven't been there either. I'm going to be sending things to literary magazines and giving myself more to do in the mean time. I plan on publishing to my old friends at Livina Press as well as looking into entering literary writing contests. Has anyone heard of or submitted a publication to Reedsy? I was wondering if that was a good idea or not. I was thinking of looking around for other lit magazine to send my work in to as well. Just to get myself out there.

    Well, that's it for now. I hope I can keep up steam and not trail off again!

Another One

 

I have published yet another book in about 2 weeks. Publish shout out to my editor for lighting a fire under my ass to be productive. Click Here to buy it.

New Short Story Out

 

It’s been a long time, but I’m back and with a new short story out, just in time for Halloween! (And it wasn’t even planned!) Here’s the link to the book. Also, special shout out to my Managing Editor for staying on my ass until I wrote something. Couldn’t have finished this without you. Any, readers, enjoy the new story that’s out and try not to get too scared.

I'm trying, I guess....

(Photo by KevinSchmid)

So, I'm taking up writing again. I'm trying to write again. I took a bit of a break....or rather I'm been wrapped up in D&D that I just haven't worked on anything else. I'd like to think I'm doing well with my writing if D&D is anything to talk about. There's a lot of typing and hundreds of thousands of words that have gone into my notes. Worlds are created, and lore is written and rewritten. Plus I get to have fun with my friends. I wish I could be more focused on my books. I find it difficult to write for those for some reason. Maybe because there's no deadline? With my D&D content, I have to have something to share with my friends otherwise I feel like I let them down somehow? I'm not the best person, let alone the best friend. So, D&D feels like the one place I can show them something nice. I can present an idea to my friends without being too hard with my opinions, being demeaning, or being dismissive.

It could also be because it's easier to write when there are others helping you. I have my friends to bounce ideas off of with D&D. With my books I have no one. It's up to me and me alone to write them. There's no action and reaction, there's no roll of the dice. It's whatever my dumb little brain can think of to type out.

To help with writer's block, I've been just talking into my microphone. I verbally tell a story in my speech to text and publish the results daily. I don't know what I'll do with it, it just gets me into a mood for writing. My only problem with that is I have a life outside of my books. Two other careers and a family to take care of. I'm tired. I have little motivation to even get out of bed let alone write. Let's hope my Wattpad story Run, Run, Run gives me the motivation I need to keep writing. Who knows? I might even publish it whenever I'm done.

What Can I Even Do?

(Photo by LoganArt)

Readers, what can I do? When we were marching for Black Lives, I was able to post about it. When Asian violence was happening, I was able to post…and then have it promptly taken down by TikTok. This time around, I’m not sure. I want to do something when there’s nothing I can do. What’s yet another Instagram post “bringing awareness” going to do, reader? How do we know our money is going to the people of Ukraine and not lining the pockets of a charlatan? I feel like I’m constantly wanting to fight for others but in a selfish self-destructive way.

I’m doing it selfishly because I want to alleviate my anxiety. I want my own guilt over something I can’t control to go away. I feel guilty for being born comfortable and privileged. I keep feeling like I have to do something. I want to advocate for others because I keep wishing someone would do the same for me. I wish every time a trans woman dies, a black person gets shot, or a woman is raped, SOMEONE would advocate for them. But no one does. Everyone feels like they deserve it. All the rhetoric is the same. “Just don’t ______ and no one will want you dead.” I am selfish in wanting to fight for others, purely because I’m intersectioned and lonely. I’m selfish because I act on impulse to do something because of my own emotions.

My emotions will destroy me. Doing all of this, and having a brain that carelessly thinks of everything at once is slowly eating away at me. It eats away at me to know the world is fucked up. My mental health declines every time because there’s nothing I can do and I desperately want to do something. I want to donate money, but don’t want to be scammed. I want to donate my time, but have no idea doing what. I have no skills. I keep thinking of all the time I’m wasting. My mental health is fractured already. The more media and information I consume, the more my mind draws me deeper into my depression. I’m self destructive because I feed into my impulses and go down these rabbit holes in my mind.

I don’t want to research anymore. I’ve seen enough. There’s so much knowledge bogged down by politics. There’s nothing but sad images. I’m having trouble moving. I constantly feel like I want to cry. I’m trying to keep going. Keep writing. Keep reading. Keep setting goals. But it’s getting harder and harder each day. I actively have 2 full-time jobs (3 if being an author counts as a job, I’m still not sure) and I feel so behind. I never feel like there’s anything I can do right. I should have been fired a long time ago. I’m not a good writer by any means… I’m sure I’ll fail at that, too. I’ve gone off-topic. I’ve vented long enough. 

Goodbye.

Might as well blog about it.

(Picture by: Cromaconceptovisual)

    Well, hello there. I'm currently in the midst of a writing spell. Really, I'm in the midst of making progress on a few things. I'm trying to block out the world around me and focus, but it's very difficult. I have on a playlist and am currently typing, but I keep asking myself why? Why am I typing? Why do I blog?

   The answer is so that I feel like I've made progress on something. This blog is simply a diary of sorts to forget the many diaries I lost and stopped writing. I might write in one to put more personal thoughts that I can't put here. Anyhow, I write on this blog to make me feel like I'm doing something. I have books to write that I haven't made any progress on. I have clothes to fold and dishes to wash. I have fallen behind on my Japanese lessons and my therapy appointments. But I've made a blog post, so I've made progress.

  To be 100% fair, it's much better than lying in bed and doing nothing and it puts me in a 'might as well' mood. 

-"I'm getting up for tea, might as well grab a basket of clothes to fold."

-"I checked my phone for my discord notifications, might as well call my therapist and make an appointment."

  I might as well work on another book I started since I'm up typing. I might as well work on my friend's birthday present while I'm thinking about it. I might as well stop typing since I'm out of words to say.

When do I write best?

(Picture by: StockSnap )

• At midnight
• After I've had tea 
• On my laptop
• Listening to lo-fi
• When the air around me stops moving
• When I'm warm
• When everything's quiet
• After I've eaten
• When no one walks into my room to interrupt me
• When I don't have anything else to do.

So...

   At midnight, after an uneventful day, I sit in my bed at my laptop. My peppermint tea has finally cooled enough it won't burn me to drink it and I'm able to relax. The air around the house has finally stopped moving because the other occupants of the house have been asleep for at least an hour by this point. It's quiet enough I'm reminded I have tinnitus. Rather than get distracted by everything YouTube has to recommend, I turn on my 'Hours in the Night' playlist and wrap a blanket around me to stave off my anemia. I sip my tea, maybe washing down a snack. Usually, at this time of night, I have something sweet to activate my dopamine. The extra chemical spike makes me grateful for the lack of responsibility I have at the moment. I feel free rather than like a burden. I feel as though I have time to mend to my will rather than throw it away. I feel that indulging in the writing I love isn't a waste, rather a step to take in my journey as I find my purpose in this world. Let me enjoy these fleeting seconds, minutes, and hours until I lay down only to awaken in my depressive pit. The happiness will never last, and I'm tired of pretending that it will. So, I shall take this time to sit and make progress....because I don't know when I'll be able to do this again.