What Can I Even Do?

(Photo by LoganArt)

Readers, what can I do? When we were marching for Black Lives, I was able to post about it. When Asian violence was happening, I was able to post…and then have it promptly taken down by TikTok. This time around, I’m not sure. I want to do something when there’s nothing I can do. What’s yet another Instagram post “bringing awareness” going to do, reader? How do we know our money is going to the people of Ukraine and not lining the pockets of a charlatan? I feel like I’m constantly wanting to fight for others but in a selfish self-destructive way.

I’m doing it selfishly because I want to alleviate my anxiety. I want my own guilt over something I can’t control to go away. I feel guilty for being born comfortable and privileged. I keep feeling like I have to do something. I want to advocate for others because I keep wishing someone would do the same for me. I wish every time a trans woman dies, a black person gets shot, or a woman is raped, SOMEONE would advocate for them. But no one does. Everyone feels like they deserve it. All the rhetoric is the same. “Just don’t ______ and no one will want you dead.” I am selfish in wanting to fight for others, purely because I’m intersectioned and lonely. I’m selfish because I act on impulse to do something because of my own emotions.

My emotions will destroy me. Doing all of this, and having a brain that carelessly thinks of everything at once is slowly eating away at me. It eats away at me to know the world is fucked up. My mental health declines every time because there’s nothing I can do and I desperately want to do something. I want to donate money, but don’t want to be scammed. I want to donate my time, but have no idea doing what. I have no skills. I keep thinking of all the time I’m wasting. My mental health is fractured already. The more media and information I consume, the more my mind draws me deeper into my depression. I’m self destructive because I feed into my impulses and go down these rabbit holes in my mind.

I don’t want to research anymore. I’ve seen enough. There’s so much knowledge bogged down by politics. There’s nothing but sad images. I’m having trouble moving. I constantly feel like I want to cry. I’m trying to keep going. Keep writing. Keep reading. Keep setting goals. But it’s getting harder and harder each day. I actively have 2 full-time jobs (3 if being an author counts as a job, I’m still not sure) and I feel so behind. I never feel like there’s anything I can do right. I should have been fired a long time ago. I’m not a good writer by any means… I’m sure I’ll fail at that, too. I’ve gone off-topic. I’ve vented long enough. 

Goodbye.